i wonder why i couldn't sleep at this time. the moment i close my eyes, i see things. some memories are just hard to erase and especially when my birthday is coming. i mean, normal people would recall what they did last birthday and i am no difference. obviously i clearly remember how bad the last one was. how i cried like a girl and how i fell into a depression. it was meant to be the best birthday i had for so many years, that's what i predicted. (: everything about last bday was just sucky. i hate it in fact.

i realised i was in a depression mode and the fact that only i could save myself from all the demons inside. i just so nearly couldn't make it. it was so tough. i have no mood for other stuff and i think i was stupid that time. i know i can never make the same error again. i am afraid but i am always confident. for once, i lost my calmness but it doesn't matter anymore right. no one can guess how i felt and no one will ever know. sorry, i am not someone who opens up really easily. i believe i am better than others and i will solve my problems myself. i failed so badly last year, i didn't heed advices, i didn't follow what's right.

now, i have moved on. the feeling is long gone, the ache however is still there. i don't ever want to new start or what. i simply love the way my life is continuing. i am so much closer to my friend whom i accused for not being with me during that time. i nearly lost everything but somehow, i am closer to everyone now. i am thankful to my group of friends. at least i know some do believe in me. my eyes hurt so much now. the computer screen light is hurting my eye man. damn!

everything is fine so far. my mind is clean and my conscience is clear. for i know, i am still alive and kicking. and, hungry too. i am like forever hungry.